In Praise of Devolution

Englishmen (and, indeed, Englishwomen), in an increasingly competitive world.

So, what factors enabled Serbia to win? Clearly, musical considerations counted for little. If we study the geographical distribution of votes received, it’s apparent that the competition has been irrevocably changed by the break-up of the Soviet Union and of Yugoslavia. We now have a multiplicity of small East and Central European states who, faced with a barrage of some of the most appalling yet strangely compelling pop music yet devised, and aware that the event is watched by untold millions and carries a mysterious yet considerable prestige, understandably resort to voting in large measure for neighbouring countries, in a belief, well justified, that such largesse will be returned.

You’re perhaps wondering about the significance of devolution to all this. Well, it’s a point which I believe I’m the first to make, but it’s really quite an obvious one. With devolution, our chances of success in the Eurovision Song Contest will be dramatically increased. With England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, as well as Ireland, and – who knows? – the Channel Islands, the Isle of Man, and maybe even Yorkshire, all having separate entries, and separate votes, the balance of power will shift decisively to the Western, anglophone, side of the continent.

Would Scotland or Wales ever vote for England? If Bosnia-Herzegovina and Croatia can vote for Serbia, then damn right they will – especially when they see that no one outside England will vote for their own frankly risible efforts. The Scots, in a misguided moment of cultural pride, will probably attempt something dire involving kilts, and the Welsh will feel compelled to sing in their own language, so if we toss them a few votes they’ll be sure to reciprocate. The only problem I foresee is if other countries take the lesson on board, and we see entries from the newly independent Baden-Wurttenberg, Lower Silesia, and Alsace-Lorraine. At which point the whole contest will end up disappearing up its own Schwelsig-Holstein. Which might, in the end, be not such a bad thing.