Uzbekistan, north of Afghanistan, and east of Iran. In short, right in the middle of the central Asian cross wires, where nobody in their right minds would wish to be. But instead of tiptoeing around the Afghanis, or cowering before the Iranians, Turkmenbashi has adopted the fascinating foreign policy of pretending they do not exist. And acting accordingly. In 2002, he decided his country needed a new calendar. So he invented one. January was renamed after himself: Turkmenbashi. April was changed to his mother’s name, Gurbansoltan. And September became Ruhnama, the title of the large pink philosophy book he wrote, the one you have to answer questions on to pass your driving test. With the months done, he turned to the days of the week. Tuesday became Young Day. Wednesday is now Favourable Day. The other Main Day, formerly a Monday, he noticed that a woman speaker at an agricultural ceremony he was attending had capped her teeth with gold, as Turkmen women are apt to do. So he sent her off to his health minister – a dentist – to have them fixed. From now on, he decreed, Turkmen women must have white teeth. And the best way to maintain them was to do what he’d seen dogs doing when he was young: gnaw lots of bones.
The president is lucky to have seen a dog. In Ashgabat, Turkmenistan’s spotless white capital that he is building in the desert out of unfeasible quantities of imported Italian marble, dogs are banned. Turkmenbashi doesn’t like their smell. Also banned are foreign newspapers, journalists, opposition parties, and, apparently, women’s make-up, because, according to the president, Turkmen women don’t need make-up. They’re beautiful enough already. Cinemas, circuses and ballets are illegal too, on the grounds that they are un-Turkmen. So are video games, lip-synching on television, car radios, and recorded music at weddings.
Now, less than a week later, Niyazov is dead:
He was the centre of a personality cult with cities and airports named after him. He has no designated successor.
Turkmenistan has large gas reserves, but now faces an uncertain future as outside powers scramble for influence over resources, analysts say.
Mr Niyazov died of a sudden cardiac arrest, it was announced.
According to Turkmen law, the president is succeeded by the head of the legislative body, the People’s Assembly. But this post was held by Mr Niyazov himself.
Now we need to send Januszczak to North Korea, or maybe Zimbabwe.
Leave a Reply